2007-05-30
Small things
I don't know what I'm feeling. I am a good person. I am not the most attractive guy anywhere, but I know I have a presence wherever I go that is not unnoticeable. Maybe it's more prevalent here because I'm a brown person in sea of white people. But even then, why don't I get the attention I expect?
I'm sure a majority of it is because I don't come off as gay. Absolutely. But where do I find the rest of the answer? What are the things I need to show to let guys know, "Hey, I'm available and I'd like to meet you"? I know I'm not outgoing, but I am pretty social. I know I'm not super gorgeous like the rest of them, but I am pretty approachable and not unfortunate looking. I know this. Do I just not meet the standards for most gay men? Or am I just setting the standards incorrectly myself?
I mean, honestly, at this point in my life, I'll settle for almost anything. I just need to know that I am not destined to be lonely FOREVER. That I can be loved and clearly reciprocate it. I'll take a guy who isn't my 'dream guy'. But really -- what is my dream guy? I want someone who isn't flamboyantly gay, of course. I want a guy who is good-looking and good-natured, someone who likes to laugh and avoid the drama. My standards are low, but in the gay community, those are too high.
Gay men want to be beautiful. I don't blame them, though -- who doesn't want to be regarded as hot property? We want to be everyone's object of attention. For a life that was probably full of rejection and the need to be wanted and accepted, that would be the validation that we need. I assume this is what feeds into the drama that a lof of gay men thrive on.
I don't need beautiful, and I don't appreciate negative attention (although it is cute sometimes - heh). I just need someone I can be thankful for, wholeheartedly. Someone I can be proud of. I know I'm young and I've got my whole life ahead of me, which is why later on I'm sure this might sound ridiculous and pointless, but I'm lonely and scared and unsure that I will ever find it. I dream of it at least once a week. Being completely happy by finding that someone who makes me smile and laugh and enjoy myself just being three inches away. Someone who wants to hold my hand, wrap himself around me during a movie, watch me dance around in my living room and tell me I'm adorable and that he's thankful to be with me by looking in his eyes. I just want to experience little things like that. Just small things will satisfy me. Not much else. That's it.
tipsydrunk at 10:21 p.m.
