2007-02-28
let's take a look
i can't read gay literature. it always depresses me. whether it be about love, lust, or discrimination. all of it reminds me how much i haven't experienced.
i think about high school and how i never really came out. i'm sure everyone knew, partly because i pretty much told everyone i knew, but i still tried to stay under the radar. i was never really picked on or harrassed for being gay, because there was no evidence to prove i really was. i would have loved to have something to fight for and be proud of myself about, though.
i lusted through the internet. absolutely. chat rooms and e-mails and the occasional phone call were the outlets for my homosexual urges. i know everyone's had their own experience, but mine still embarrass me when i reflect on them. people who didn't know a thing about me saw a side of me that the people who knew everything about me didn't know existed. it was shameful, but it was a way to deflect the loneliness during the long afternoons after school. i would spend hours, sometimes days on the internet talking to guys i knew i would never meet.
i found no love during my adolescence. i still haven't found love now. i pined over boys i knew i could never have or would ever admit any affection for me. life was sheltered and isolated so extensively that social participation was nill because i knew i could not truly be me and do what i want without hesitation. so i didn't party. i didn't go out of my way to meet people. i was just there.
even though i'm out now, things are still awkward. i can't be one of the guys, but i can't be one of the gays. my attitude growing up with this mentality of staying hidden has skewed so much of me. my friends are still all girls, because guys honestly scare me. i can't trust them to be honest, in any capacity. whether it be how they feel about homosexuality, or even my own masculine sexuality. i can't trust myself around them, either. attraction and attachment grow easily on me, and any focus on the wrong person can cause misery for quite a long time.
so coming out hasn't helped. now sexuality precedes me, and in some cases, even defines me. after considering everything i've written so far, it's ironic how i recently told my friends not to constantly repeat the fact that i'm gay. i'm closeting myself again during the point of my life that i've always wanted to break into. high school was confusing, but this is just plain difficult.
tipsydrunk at 4:24 a.m.
