2007-02-14
-
i just read my last entry, and i'm amazed at how scattered emotions are. three months after the last entry, i hate cedar rapids again.
it's depressing coming back to iowa after a few days of raucous debauchery in las vegas. where are the lights and sounds that surrounded me just three hours ago? where are the buildings, the people, the traffic? why did i choose to freeze my ass off once again?
why are my friends complete hypocrites who don't understand what they get themselves into? why do i always settle? why do i let myself leave when i know i don't really want to?
what is it that i need to quit this incessant idea of inadequacy? the drugs, the alcohol, the sex... it's me participating, but i can't be that person all the time. i worry that i'm letting myself ignore my conscience and throwing myself closer to disaster every time i drink, swallow, or snort something. as much as i try to portray myself, i know what my inhibitions are. i know everything i do in an altered state of mind is ultimately false.
when will the incessant sense of insignificance subside? i look for it every day, but every day i'm reminded of it in some way. i very much want to pack up and leave right now. but where would i go? i can't escape my mind and my emotions, and they'll always restrict me from enjoying LIFE the way i want.
i'm pretty sure this entry is the product of my crashing off of various substances i've allowed myself to have the last few days. or maybe not.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i've always found that repeating things in three's always proves my point to myself. and honestly, i really don't know. i really wish i knew, though. i wish i knew exactly what it is that makes me unconsciously create such a negative environment for myself, even when it's unfounded and unnecessary.
sad story. how will it end?
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
tipsydrunk at 11:35 p.m.
